Disclaimer
Important Disclaimer:
Part I: The Key West Bar Card does not endorse or recommend any practices other than enjoying life. All clauses of this disclaimer apply to the disclaimer itself, except for this first sentence. All other disclaimers that may be found on this site, or sites linked to herein, are obviously subsets of this disclaimer and/or invalid, illegal, or fattening. This disclaimer is provided for informational, misinformational and metainformational purposes only and should not be construed as a solicitation or offer for anything whatsoever. This disclaimer may contain forward-looking statements, and probably will contain backward-looking statements, too. Beginning to read this disclaimer constitutes immediate, implicit and retroactive acceptance of all clauses past, present and future. All meta-information, HTML tags, photographs, artwork, script, text, opinions, ideas, facts or factoids contained in this site are either my own, or in good faith presumed to be in the public domain, or quotable under some sort of “fair use” clause. All comments published in public forums are under the exclusive responsibility of the respective posters and may be subject to separate copyright provisions and disclaimers; however, I reserve the right to edit, delete, curtate or eliminate all comments on personal whim. This shall be subject to no criteria of reasonableness. All posters to such forums must implicitly accept the full provisions of this disclaimer. Text, tags, metatags, scripts, trackbacks or links on this site may have been totally or partially generated by distributed software and/or information gathering and diffusion mechanisms of uncertain location, provenance or intentions. All products, brands and company names mentioned will probably be trademarks or trade names of the respective companies and you should mentally insert the appropriate ™, ©, ® or whatever wherever appropriate. Any links to external sites and any comments about the contents thereof should not be construed as endorsement, tolerance, approval or disapproval of such contents, even if such comments overtly purport to do so. 90% of all cited statistics may have been made up on the spot. Before entering this site be sure to make at least two back-up copies of your mind and pincode and other important data on other media to protect against data loss. In case of error, reinstall universe and reboot. Brains sold separately. Sense of humor must be provided by third parties. Caveat Browsor. If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not access this website. Use, duplication, disclosure or ritual exorcism of this information by the Government (any Government) is subject to the restrictions of physical laws. There is no conscious attempt made nor desire extant to libel or otherwise cause malicious damage, loss, public contempt, defamation, slander, blasphemy, treason, sedition, or ridicule to persons of any gender or even none, cabals, corporations, governments, institutions, corporations, or assemblies of inanimate objects, alien lifeforms, microorganisms, clergy, vegetables, animals, or any collections thereof. No representation whatsoever is made as to the accuracy, political correctness, spelling, syntax, semantics, content or meaning of the graphics, text or downloadable files on this site, or of suitability for use or quoting elsewhere or for any other particular porpoise. As far as I’m concerned all information herein consists solely of sequences of zeroes and ones, being presented as either a satire or a parody of other sequences of zeroes and ones (or even of the ones and zeroes themselves) and neither I nor my service provider can be held responsible for any further interpretation, guesstimate, translation, transliteration, compression, decompression, exegesis, deconstruction, memetic emission or absorption, catalysis, curtation, transmogrification, alteration or forgery of such sequences made by either your hardware, software or wetware, or by any intervening data communications channel, even if previously advised of such a possibility.
Part II: Any actions you take based on whatever you saw, or think you saw, on this site are entirely your own responsibility, so there! This site is directed at reasonably mature people of any age and if you’re not among them, life will be tough. Since all of the Internet’s web pages are interlinked you will sooner than later come to what you may consider an ugly, silly, stupid, obscene or otherwise offensive site. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! No electrons, protons, neutrons, quarks or other sub-atomic particles, or agglomerations thereof, have been knowingly harmed in preparing this site. Any use of this website, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, you are hereby warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe. All quantum fields and/or state vectors related to this site may spontaneously collapse, decohere, and/or go all higgedly-piggedly as soon as you look at them, and I can’t do anything about it. You may have some rights not detailed in this disclaimer but don’t bet on it. Although due diligence has been exerted towards ensuring that this website doesn’t suck, total non-suckability can be approached only asymptotically and thus will never be attained. Apply only to affected area. Do not use while sleeping, unconscious, or insufficiently caffeinated or oxygenated. For indoor or outdoor use only die do use this site in your swimming pool. Not suitable as a personal flotation device. An optional Internet connection is required. All models are over 0.158 gigaseconds of age or the local equivalent. Avoid contact with mucous membranes. Do not insert body parts into moving components of your computer. Keep out of children at age 26. Contents may settle during shipment or downloading.
Part III: This disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, extraterrestrial impact, war, alien abduction, hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, Gods and/or Godesses, misuse, neglect, leaking batteries, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustment, missing or altered serial numbers, chemical reactions, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom shock waves, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, genetic drift, random neuronal firing, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping the item. Many browsers look alike. Others don’t. Use only in a well-ventilated area. May not work while immersed or submerged. Do not bend, fold, spindle, mutilate, clone, inflate, deflate, imbibe, or chew. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle, heavy equipment, airplane, hang glider, cellphone, or any powered device inserted into bodily orifices. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Objects in browser may be closer than they appear, but don’t count on it. One size fits all. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Not intended for highway use. To be used as a supplementary restraint system only. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Keep cool, process promptly. Remove child before folding. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Employees and their families and friends are not eligible. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Not responsible for advice not taken. Disclaimer subject to change, obsolescence or stagnation without notice. May cause temporary dizziness, flatulence, cirrhosis of the liver, inflammation of the brain, heart damage, pancreatic damage, kidney damage, spleen implosion or explosion, thyroid combustion, severe nasal hair growth, blindness, eruptia, pregnancy, infertility, fecal incontinence, feelings of financial inadequacy, impotence, allergies, solipsism, loss of genitalia and/or hermaphroditism, hair loss, skin blemishes, bone deformity, throat cancer, ulcers, hangnails, bladder leakage, sores, scabs, elephantiasis, hepatitis, conjunctivitis, gingivitis, appendicitis, bronchitis, and/or athlete’s foot. Your mileage may vary. All your disclaimer are belong to us. This supersedes all previous disclaimers. THIS DISCLAIMER MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION THAT IS THE CONFIDENTIAL AND PROPRIETARY PROPERTY OF SOMEBODY AND SUCH INFORMATION MAY NOT BE COPIED, PUBLISHED, OR DISCLOSED TO OTHERS, OR USED FOR ANY PURPOSE OTHER THAN REVIEW BY AUTHORIZED INDIVIDUALS, WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN AUTHORIZATION OF AN AUTHORIZED OFFICER OF WHOEVER-IT-IS. Reading a disclaimer like this all the way to the end may have caused irreversible but not necessarily malign changes to your neural whatchamacallits. To have the secret second part of this disclaimer transmitted to you over a telepathic tight-beam channel (at 300 bauds nominal, odd parity), bury a signed non-disclosure agreement and exact $1000 in consecutively numbered three-dollar bills in your backyard and stand by for further instructions. Do not smoke at this moment and pray six Hail Maries.
